This is a spoof based on the absurd idea that the CA Constitution gives the California Commission on Judicial Performance (CJP) final authority to decide who may investigate them and their files.  The below comments and actions have not been made by those who they are attributed to.

(Scene: 455 Golden Gate Ave, Office of the Comm on Judicial Performance. FBI agents walk in and the lead agent addresses CJP’s receptionist)

LEAD AGENT:
We’re from the FBI. We’re here to confiscate your files. We’d also like to talk with your Director, Victoria Henley. Is she here?

RECEPTIONIST:
Ms. Henley is here, but she’s not in the building. She’s preparing to retire and is clearing out her desk. She’s downstairs loading her belongings into her vehicle.

LEAD AGENT:
You mean that semi trailer in the parking lot that three guys have just about finished filling with legal document boxes?

RECEPTIONIST:
Yes, that’s Ms. Henley’s vehicle. I believe she’s just about finished clearing out her desk.

LEAD AGENT:
Whose here right now whose in charge?

RECEPTIONIST:
Commissioner Erica Yew is here. Let me find her for you. I think I just saw her with the repairman whose here to fix the ten over-heated shredding machines.

(Judge Erica Yew walks into the reception area and introduces herself to the lead FBI agent)

COMMISSIONER YEW:
Hello, Mr. FBI man. Golly gee-willikers, how are you today?

LEAD AGENT:
I’m fine. We’re here to confiscate all CJP records and files and we’d appreciate your cooperation as we do it.

COMMISSIONER YEW:
(bats eyelids and smiles) We’d love to cooperate with your investigation of us. But gosh, the California Constitution says we alone make up rules about how judges are investigated and we made one up that says no one can have all our files of how we investigate judges, unless we decide they may.

LEAD AGENT:
Lady, are you f**king nuts? The California Constitution says the CJP can make up rules of how judges are investigated, not how the CJP is investigated.

COMMISSIONER YEW:
Oh my, I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. According to the rules that I helped to make up, I may or may not decide to give you the files. Our Rule 102(g) states: (Disclosure of information to prosecuting authorities) The commission may release to prosecuting authorities at any time information which reveals possible criminal conduct by the judge or former judge or by any other individual or entity.

LEAD AGENT:
So let me get this straight. You think the California Constitution says that you can make up rules that lets you decide if you may or may not let the FBI confiscate all your files in a criminal investigation?

COMMISSIONER YEW:
Yes..I think..I don’t know. Maybe it would help if you said “Mother may I“? No wait, then I would have to say “Yes, you may” or “No, you may not“. Oh, my poor little confused brain. I am truly a lady in distress, Mr. FBI man. I am feeling stuck. Whatever should I do?

LEAD AGENT:
Show me where the files are and then step aside. I’m confiscating them to investigate the CJP covering up many judicial crimes occurring in the California court going back for years.

(Commissioner Yew’s demeanor completely changes from sweet, confused and innocent to a tough as nails criminal defense attorney)

COMMISSIONER YEW:
(in a guttural growl) You forgot to say “Mother may I“, A**hole.  Now I’m going to sue you in a court where we decide if the judge’s actions are ethical or not; and if that judge deserves to stay in office.

LEAD AGENT:
Get out of my way. We’re taking your files. Where are they?

COMMISSIONER YEW:
The two boxes are around the corner. Bwah, ha ha, ha ha! We made up a rule yesterday that the CJP may shred and discard confidential files upon perceived threat of any government agency demanding to see them. Sorry, there was nothing written that explicitly exempts the FBI from that rule.

We’re lawyers, you idiot! And we’re going to argue that the California Constitution gives us the right to make up rules that may obstruct any and all investigations of files we’ve deemed confidential. The two boxes around the corner are all that are left after our self-determined, lawful-shredding under our new rule — and we’ll sue you if you take them.

LEAD AGENT:
What???? Ummmm, I guess we’ll have to hire a law firm to defend us in the lawsuit.

(Yew switches back into sweet demeanor)

COMMISSIONER YEW:
Yes. I agree with you, Mr. FBI man. I would so love for you not to have to waste tax-dollars with us in litigation, but I just can’t figure out any way on our own for you to be able to investigate us and see what we really do behind closed doors.  Gosh, I wish we had written a rule that say you can investigate us without us telling you that you may. But we didn’t, so you can’t.  Oh my. This is so stressful and confusing for me. Do you think you could just go away so I don’t have to think about this perplexing problem anymore?

LEAD AGENT:
Yea, that’s not gonna happen.

COMMISSIONER YEW:
Okay, I guess I’ll see you in court and that makes my poor little heart so sad.  So like, you have a nice day, Mr. FBI man. And please let us know if there is anything, anything at all, that we can do to help you.

By the way, do you know anything about how we can get the Legislative Budget Committee to give us more money — without being able to audit our files to see how we’ve used the money they’ve been giving us for fifty years?

End of Spoof
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VIDEO of Ca Budget Committee hearing May 2017.  Judge Yew & Ms. Henley were asking for more money while discussing the money the legislature had already given them being spent on suing the State Auditor — to obstruct the legislature’s investigation so they could know what to budget.  (This may seem like a spoof, but it’s real!)

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CJP v. State Auditor hearing Nov 3rd @10am in San Francisco Superior Court, Dept 504, Honorable Suzanne Bolanos presiding.

Donuts in the park across the street starting at 8:30am.

Sharon Kramer